


You Were my Kind of Perfect - Part Two

by BandanaBoyfriends



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Crying, I wrote a second one, M/M, Past Suicide, So if the first part wasn't bad enough, Swearing, ashton just really misses Luke, just please be safe guys ily, this is just ashton's life after luke's suicide, this is just really sad guys I'm sorry, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 17:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4530720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BandanaBoyfriends/pseuds/BandanaBoyfriends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can't bring himself to give a fuck about anything anymore. He's shut off his emotions because it hurts less, because he doesn't want to think about how fucking depressed Luke was and how he didn't notice. How could Ashton, out of anyone, not notice.<br/>Luke was his world, his first love, his everything. And it fucking hurts because Ashton knew that Luke got sad sometimes, that he wanted to be alone for a couple hours but it was fine because Ashton would always come to bed and cuddle Luke until he fell asleep and it was fine.<br/>It was all fine for Ashton. More than fine, actually. It was perfect.<br/>or<br/>Ashton is a mess after Luke commits suicide and this is just his life after he looses him. It's really sad guys and it might be triggering for some of you so just be careful and be safe please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Were my Kind of Perfect - Part Two

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read the first part, here's the link.  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2856167

Ashton can't move. He can't eat, he can't sleep, he can't _breathe_. He lost Luke a month ago, and it's as if his entire world has been crushed in the fists of the gods who hate him enough to do it.

He's made a grave for himself in his own room, a sick way of being closer to Luke. He's constantly buried under his blankets with music blaring through the tiny speakers in his headphones and he's sure his hearing has weakened but he doesn't _care_.

He can't bring himself to give a fuck about anything anymore. He's shut off his emotions because it hurts less, because he doesn't want to think about how fucking depressed Luke was and how he didn't notice. How could Ashton, out of anyone, not notice.

Luke was his world, his first love, his _everything_. And it fucking hurts because Ashton knew that Luke got sad sometimes, that he wanted to be alone for a couple hours but it was fine because Ashton would always come to bed and cuddle Luke until he fell asleep and it was _fine_.

It was all fine for Ashton. More than fine, actually. It was perfect.

But Luke, the love of his life, his best friend _Luke_ , was dying inside and Ashton _didn't fucking notice_.

He knows Calum and Michael are hurting too, they were all the _couldn't-live-without-each-other_ kind of best friends.

Calum mourned for weeks, being the first to actually come out of his room to try to live, to be strong, and Michael shortly after but Ashton _can't_.

Ashton only went out for the funeral, and it was the second worst day of his life, right next to the day he lost him.

~

There were so many people there. Luke's family and old friends, Calum, Michael, and Ashton's parents, some close crew members they all loved, and the One Direction boys. There were some fans scattered around, standing quietly behind the gate to give them privacy. Ashton could see all of them were crying, clinging onto each other as they watched.

It's cloudy, but it isn't raining and Ashton's already crying because this was Luke's favorite weather. He didn't like the sun because he baked in his skinny jeans and he didn't like the rain because "it makes me look like an old mop, Ash".

The boys used to joke about how they wanted their funerals to go. Calum wanted KIϟϟ to preform at his funeral. He wanted vodka shots while Morgan Freeman read 18 out loud. Michael's was the same, except he wanted swimsuit models and Will Smith to burst out of a cake.

Ashton didn't think it was very funny, death wasn't a funny thing to talk about, but he did want to have a small funeral, at night since it was his favorite time of day, as the sun was setting with fairy lights somewhere to make everything beautiful because he doesn't want everyone to be sad that they lost him, he wants them to be happy that he got to _live_.

Luke said nothing besides, "I want you all there, telling them your best memories of me, I don't want to be remembered by my death, but by my finest moments. So don't fuck up your speeches guys."

And it wasn't supposed to be so soon that they had to write their eulogies. Ashton never thought that this would happen, never in his life. Ever since he was young he used to tell his mum that he wanted to make his husband or wife the happiest person on earth, and he failed. He failed miserably.

He's hugging himself tightly, clinging to the hope that if he holds tight enough he won't fall apart. He and the boys are in the front row, all looking miserable and sitting quietly while the guests around them try to comfort each other and Ashton hates it. He hates that most of them didn't give a shit enough to notice, to not care for Luke enough to genuinely care about his feelings.

Liz sits next to Ashton, holding onto his hand tightly, trying not to cry but Ashton can see the steady stream coming from her eyes and it's heart breaking. Ashton lost the love of his life, and Liz lost her youngest son. Jack and Ben are trying to be strong, Ashton knows, he can see it in the way they move around Liz but Ashton had seen Jack leaning against a tree with his head in his hands and shoulders shaking before the ceremony had started.

When the speeches come, Michael goes first. He's the only one that doesn't cry, and Ashton can't imagine how the hell he does it, but the speech is beautiful, full or remorse for the years he hated him, and full of love the years he didn't.

"I hated Luke. I hated him because he was such a good person, better than I ever could be. He had such a big heart and he cared so much for so many things and I regret hating him. I lost a year of knowing Luke, of being his friend because I was an idiot, but god it was so worth it when I got over it because Luke is the kind of friend that will demand to be cuddled when he's tired. I kind of lost the privilege to cuddle him when he fell in love with Ashton, but in the end, that was also worth it. Luke was the happiest I had ever seen him when he was with Ashton. He was always smiling and glowing and it was great.

Luke and I, we used to sit on the kitchen floor at three in the morning because we couldn't sleep, we'd just talk for hours, eating snacks and in the morning when Ashton and Calum woke up, Luke and I would be passed out on the floor with wrappers all over. I teased Luke all the time, made jokes about him, and I just hope he knows that that's all they were, jokes, because it blows my mind to think that there are people out there that have never met him and have decided they don't like him. But it's their loss because Luke is the best thing that could have ever happened to this world."

Calum can barely get through it, has to stop and take calming breaths when he starts to get choked up.

"Luke was the best person I knew. He laughed at so many things, cared for so many things. He was always so passionate, about everything and anything. He always poured his heart into our music, into our songs. I remember the first time I wrote with him, when we were still kids with big dreams, and he was so hopeful and so optimistic and he got this look in his eyes when he wrote lyrics, he looked so happy and so comfortable with what he was doing. Not many people can handle the spotlight, but Luke was so at home up there, so relaxed and peaceful and it was amazing watching him preform and I loved that kid. I loved him so much, and I regret not telling him more often because he always deserves to know he was loved. And he was. By so many people. Not just the fans, but by his family and his friends. And I am going to miss him so much."

Ashton's shaking by the time it's his turn to go up. It's clear that no one knows how and why Luke died, save for Ashton and Luke's close family, and he knows it'd be horrible to tell everyone, knows most of them wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Luke was the love of my life. He meant everything to me. I wish I had gotten more time than I did, to love and care for him. I watched him grow up, find himself and be comfortable with who he was. He was such an amazing and wonderful person, so brilliantly in love with the world and what it had to offer. He was so eager to see everything, to do everything. I fell in love with Luke so quickly, so deeply, and it hurt. It hurt not telling him, but in the end, I suppose it still hurt. Luke deserved everything. He deserved all the love he got from everyone, from the fans, from his family, from his friends.. From me. I know it's selfish, how close I kept Luke, but I didn't want to share him, I didn't want anything to hurt him. I wanted to keep him safe. I just, I loved him. I loved him to the point where I had gotten him a ring, to ask him to spend the rest of my life with him by my side." Ashton took a deep breath, it was the first time he had talked about that, that he was going to propose. No one knew, not the boys, not his family or Luke's. He wanted it to be a surprise. "And I'm just so lost, I did everything with Luke. He was my center, my sun. I rotated around him, everything I ever did was all for Luke and I know how that sounds, and I know what most people think; they think that we were too young to be going this fast, that we were probably never in love, but we were, so deeply that I don't even think we were on Earth anymore," there are tears falling down his cheeks and onto his hands where he has fixed his gaze, and he watched his tears slowly fall from his hands and onto the podium and Ashton clutches it for support, trying to keep himself together. "If I had the option to do everything over, to never have fallen in love with Luke, to just go back to 2010 when I didn't know him, or any of the boys, I would never do it. I would never do it because loving Luke was the greatest privilege I could have ever been given and I'm really going to miss him."

 

Ashton is numb. He can't breathe, his chest feels like it's collapsing and he kind of hopes it is, hopes he's going to be put out of his misery.

It's been a week since the funeral and he's locked his door, shut the blinds, and left himself to rot in his sadness.

This wouldn't be what Luke wanted, but Ashton can't help it. He loved Luke, he fucking loved him so much and living without him is the worst pain he's ever had to deal with. Ashton sees him everywhere. He's in his closet where his sweatshirts still hang. He's in his bed, his cologne still in his pillow, and Ashton hates it. Luke's gone, but he's still here and Ashton knows he's never going to get over Luke. There's no point trying. He knows that if he ever does gets married, it won't be fair to the man he's married to because Ashton will never love him as much as he loves Luke. He will always love Luke. He'll love him when he's old and wrinkly and can barely move. He'll love him when he's on his deathbed and he'll fucking love him when he's dead because Luke is Ashton's everything.

"Ashton?" There's a persistent knocking on his door, and no matter how deep Ashton buries himself into his pillow, the knocking continues. "Ashton Fletcher Irwin, open this door now." It's his mother, and she's using her mother voice on him and it used to remind him of home, before Luke became his home. "Ashton please," Her voice sounds tired and Ashton sighs heavily and pushes his blankets off of himself and sways a little once he's on his feet but he continues to the door and hesitantly unlocks it and carefully pushed it open before he turned himself back around to fall onto his bed.

His mother carefully steps into the room and looks around, looking surprised at how clean he's kept his room. The curtains are still closed, papers litter his desk, his shoes are still in a neat pile under the window and Luke's sweatshirt is still hung over the desk chair. His bed is a mess, blankets piled up and knotted together from how much he tosses and turns. There are pill bottles littering his night stand, some empty and some still full, and his phone is discarded haphazardly on the edge of the stand, charging. His phone had died just minutes before and it was the only reason he even heard his mother knocking.

"I haven't been sleeping much," Ashton explained when he saw his mother looking at the pill bottles. His voice is completely wrecked from not speaking for so long, from his rough sobbing and the bags under his eyes are a dark purple and he just looks so.. lifeless.

"This isn't healthy Ash. The boys are worried about you. You haven't come out in weeks and you're barely eating, they haven't seen you in days, baby, they're scared." Anne made her way over to the bed, sitting on the edge next to him, carefully reaching out to grip his bicep.

"I can't live without him, I can't. And it's my fault, because I didn't know he was depressed and I just-" Ashton cuts himself off, looking up at his mum over his covers like he's seven again.

"Ashton," She sighs and Ashton squeezes his eyes shut, knowing she's going to talk him to his senses, but he just doesn't know if he wants to be.

"It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad about it. It's okay to miss him, and it's okay to wish that you did something differently, but never blame yourself for how things turned out when the situation was out of your hands. Never tell yourself you can't do better, and that this is the end of the road. Fate has a time and place for all of us and nothing you do or say will change that. Sure, it's okay to fall, but it's never okay to stay down.

You lost the love of your life, your best friend. I know you're hurting, but it's okay and you're still here and you're still breathing. He meant everything to you, but your life isn't over Ash. You loved him with everything you had and that's all you could have done, but there are people out there who love you so much, that really need you to be okay. And I'm not going to give you that speech about how you fall in love more than once, because we all knew Luke was it for you, that he was your one, but Ash, you will love someone again, maybe not as much as you loved Luke, but you will I promise you, you will." His mum pats his shoulder and presses a warm kiss to his forehead before standing and making her leave.

"I need you Ash. Calum and Michael, all your fans, we all need you to be okay." Ashton lays there a long while after his mum leaves, staring at the ceiling, staring into nothing, and he finds it in himself to get up and make his way to his bathroom. He draws himself a bath, something he used to just do with Luke, but he needs to feel it, needs to feel that warm water around his entire body. Once it's filled and he's stripped himself of his clothes he lets himself sink into it and it's scalding his skin, turning it red, but it's real, pain he can feel on the outside. He sinks in lower, until his nose is just above the water and he feels himself relax.

Ashton remembers the first time he met Luke, remembers it vividly.

 _He had woken up to a persistent buzzing from his phone, yanking it out from under his pillow to find that he was late to his first band practice, which wasn't the best thing in the world, as he wanted to make a good impression. He's up and out of bed so fast it makes his head spin and he nearly falls flat on his face trying to force himself into his skinny jeans and converse and he knows he's making a lot of noise, knows he's probably waken his siblings but he_ really _wants this to work out. He wants them to like him, to let him into the band. He pulls on a purple shirt and knows he doesn't have time to put his contacts in so he just pulls on his glasses and his hair looks like shit but there's nothing he can do about it except pull a beanie on over it._

_He's out of the house five minutes later and he's racing down the street, GPS set with Michael's address and Ashton's tapping nervously on the steering wheel, mumbling along with Green Day as he turns onto Michael's street._

_He pulls into the correct driveway and makes his way up to the house and carefully knocks on the door. A lady with a crinkly smile opens the door and smiles wider when she spots Ashton wringing his drumsticks nervously._

_"You must be Ashton," She says warmly and Ashton nods and lets himself be led into the house._

_"The boys are all already out in the garage," She said and opened the back door for him, gesturing towards a small building. Ashton carefully stepped onto the back porch and made his way down the pathway towards the garage. He takes a large breath before pushing open the door and stepping inside. There are three pairs of eyes instantly on him and he gives them a shy smile before Michael's jumping off the couch and bounding over to him._

_"Ashton!" He shouts and throws himself at him, hugging him quickly before dragging him over to the other boys. There's a game of fifa paused on the TV and Ashton can see that one of them was losing pretty badly._

_"This is Calum, or Cal, he's not Asian, or so he says. He's our bassist even though he doesn't even own a bass," Michael said and a boy with tanned skin glared at Michael before standing up to shake hands with Ashton._

_"I'm Kiwi and Scottish," Was all he said before plopping back down onto the couch, making Ashton smile, all his nerves flying out the window at how calm and relaxed these boys seemed to be, besides Michael._

_"And this is Lucas Hemmings, he's our lead singer." Michael introduced and Ashton looks at the newly introduced boy and his breath catches in the back of his throat. This boy has the prettiest baby blue eyes Ashton has ever seen and he's got a lone dimple on his right cheek and boys like these ruin Ashton's morals. But Ashton's seen him before, he knows he has. It takes him a moment to remember, but when he does a bright smile takes over his face._

_"Luke? We met at the cinema," Ashton said and Luke nodded slightly, a heavy blush making it's way to his cheeks._

 

"I'm going out," Ashton said softly, stopping by the living room where Michael and Calum look up in surprise.

"Do you want us to come with?" Michael asked, already standing up but stops when Ashton shakes his head.

"No, I need to go alone," Ashton says, pulling his sweatshirt closer around him.

"Okay," Calum said slowly, looking unsure. "Just call us if you need anything,"

"I will," Ashton says and grabs his keys before heading out. There aren't any fans outside and the traffic isn't bad, which is good because Ashton doesn't want any time to rethink this. It's not very far from their home, so it doesn't take long for him to reach the big iron gates. He parks his car and heads out, stopping in front of the gates before taking a deep breath and pushing them open, walking through different paths before he gets to where he wants to be. There are so many flowers littering the grave and it's beautiful. There aren't any fans around but he knows the paparazzi followed him here, he just hopes they're decent enough to stay away from him.

Ashton moves some of the flowers around so he can sit down facing the grave stone.

"Everyone always says that the first thing I'll forget is the sound of your voice, but that is a lie. Because when it's so early in the morning that the sun is just beginning to come up and my thoughts are so loud that I can't breathe, it's your voice that's haunting me. The way you said my name is causing all my tears because it's all I can hear anymore. I wish I could forget how your voice sounded when it was 4am and I couldn't sleep. I just wish I could forget, you and everything you left behind. But I can't, and I still feel your arms around me when I'm falling asleep and just the thought of you puts me at ease when it feels as if I'm breaking apart. And every time I fall asleep it's always you that I see in my dreams, it's always you and I would give anything to see you again.

I've been reading your letter over and over again, so much that I think I could recite it word for word if anyone asked me to. In your letter you begged me not to cry, but it’s three months later and I still sob your name as if it'll help bring you back. I wish you'd come back to me, tell me you love me one last time. It's so hard trying to live without you, but I've been forcing myself to because no matter how much I punish myself, you're not coming back."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this. I cried the entire time I was writing this..  
> Leave me a comment if you liked it, tell me how it was, I live off all your compliments and praises so...


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